To say this last week was rough is an understatement. I was bluer than blue. I’ve experienced funks before, but usually I manage to dig myself out of my pit of despair in a day or two. But this dark rabbit hole, I fell down it and was stuck at the very bottom for about week.
Too many bad things seemed to be adding up on top of me. It’s like when you are at your lowest, all the negativity that you can usually just brush off seems to stick to you.
It started with the hardest hit. Full-on heartbreak for me. My daughters’ had bullied. In the morning we received the first account of it. And in the evening got wind of another series of events. My smile faded. My inner joy faded. I felt like all was lost. Who were these kids!? I was sad, ashamed, angry, but mostly heartbroken.
Add to that, work on the house had been repetitive, and FULL of mosquitos. It is crazy how such a little creature can cause someone so much agony. I didn’t want to go to work. I didn’t want to be clothed from head-to-toe to hide from the mosquitos while it was 30degrees out. I didn’t want to get out of bed. Flip side to that, was guilt. Eben was out there working morning to night, and I wasn’t helping.
Then, to make matters worse. I knew two of my great girlfriends were getting together and having a girls’ weekend. I wanted to be there. I wanted to be with them. But it was not a smart decision. Spending that kind of money on flights would be irresponsible. We’re trying to build a house, and start a business in Mexico, not bouncing around for weekends away. Seeing pictures of their smiling faces, together, crushed me. It made me cry.
When I’m down and can’t bring myself to do anything, I do the worst. I start picking everything apart. “I haven’t worked out in months!” “I didn’t write a blog post this week.” “I don’t like my hair.” “What am I going to do about these kids?” “Why won’t my season of Project Runway download?” Nothing gets brighter, just darker shades of blue.
I Can’t Hide It
I’m very much an open book. Even when I try to hide my emotions, I’m not very good at it. When I’m down, the tears are always just one comment away. If someone asks me how I’m doing, they either get the robotic/emotionless “good”, or my eyes welling up. Neither is very convincing of my being “good”.
Eben knew right away I was down. And he knew why. He is my rock. My constant source of support.
He gave me time. He didn’t pressure me to come to work. He was extra loving (which says a lot because he is already amazing at building me up). He even organized a date night for us. We went out without the kids, ate, drank, and enjoyed talking, about everything but my issues. I felt I had done enough talking about all that already.
I also got a ton of messages, comments, feedback, and tricks to help with what we were going through with the girls. Even though my logical brain knows not to blame myself for their poor friendship behaviour, I still partially did. I see them as a reflection of myself, and I felt I had failed (them and myself).
But reading everyone’s words, over and over, helped push me in the right direction. I was not going to help them, or myself, by sitting in bed. I had to get my head on straight so that Eben and I could approach this matter as a united front.
I took a day and a half “fully off work”. Spent it wallowing, crying and being very unproductive.
The following days I put my work clothes on and contributed a little to the build. Each day I would stick around a little longer. Feeling involved with the build, and keeping busy, helped how I felt. It put my other issues on the back burner for a bit, and allowed me not to dwell on them as much.
As the days went by, the girls seemed to be understanding the chats we had with them. They worked towards being better friends, and we adjusted our plan of attack until we got to a point where everyone was proud of the results we were seeing.
Our build was moving forward. The mosquitos seemed to dissipate a little. And the sun even broke through the clouds and wildfire smoke for a couple of days.
Eben kept loving on me. Reminding me that “our four walls” are really what matters most to me. My family is my unit. And no matter how much sadness I felt last week, they brought me many moments of joy.
Kicking The Blues Goodbye
Yesterday was exactly what I needed to kick the the last of my blues away. We took a day off of work and spent the day boating on Kinbasket lake with family and friends.
The sun was out, I didn’t see a single mosquito, and I got to wear a bikini again. (Only the second time I have put a bathing suit on since we left Mexico months ago!)
With a good dose of Vitamin D and a day of hanging out with great people, I feel my smile is back.
We are still working with the girls on maintaining good friend behaviour. I am still covered from head-to-toe when working on our house. No, I didn’t get to hang at the girls’ weekend, but I get to chat with those ladies online. Working out, nope. And wearing a tuque to work gives me a brutal case of hat head.
But hearing Ellia’s full-heart laugh, watching Arias doing her goofy dance, and cuddling with Eben while watching shows at night, has made me feel like myself again. It’s good to be back.